A Black Female Medical Student

So last night was a great night. I had so much fun, I went out and met up with some friends from undergrad. There was some drama though.

So there’s this guy I used to talk to in undergrad, but we went to different cities for grad  school so it kinda fizzled out. But I always remembered him as being a really nice guy and really respectful and all that. He was so cute about approaching me, it was really sweet. Anyway, I reached out to him when I got up here, but I never heard back from him. I didn’t really think about it too much because I knew I didn’t do anything to him, plus I knew I was gonna run into him eventually. I was more annoyed  than anything else.

Anyway so of course I ran into him last night, so I say hi to him but I’m kinda wary you know lol…

But he tells me he’s been avoiding me, and I was like “yeah, i figured, but why tho? what’s your problem? I thought we were friends.”

So it comes out that he has a gf, and I’m like “So? It didn’t even have to be like that. You could have at least let me know you got the msg… or just told me you had a gf. You were being rude.”

But he says something about how he has problems… something about not wanting to be bad….and he has a hard time being good when if he finds a girl attractive…. it didn’t really make any sense.  I was like “whaaa? You’re trippin. Dude. Its not even that serious, okay?”

He also let it slip that he’d been FB stalking me, which I thought was cute. 🙂

ANYWAY the gf walks past and he reaches out to her and she does that little thing that girls do when they don’t want to be touched lol. You know… the “Don’t you dare touch me!” maneuver. And he told me she was getting mad, and he had to go talk to her. I don’t know what her problem was though, cuz all we were doing was talking.

Later on in the night, I ran into him again, and we we started to dance for like 2 sec, and then this short little minion  person of a girl runs up on me and says “Do you go to our school?”. And I was like “No…. but since you asked, I go to medical school way on the other side of the country, you’ve probably heard of it. Its ranked much higher than yours.”

Lol sike. I didn’t say that. But that’s what I was thinking. I just told her where I went.

But then she comes at me really aggressive, like “well, what are you doing over here then?”

:-O

And I’m like “Whoa. What’s your problem? I’m getting a master’s at the best school in the world. What are you doing over here?”

Sike. I didn’t say that. But that’s what I was thinking. But I told her what I was doing and where I went, and she shut up for a minute. My new school tends to have that effect on people.

She was mad pressed though, cuz then she says, “Well who invited you here?” And I’m kinda like okay, I’ve entertained this long enough. So the dude intercedes and tells her they know me from undergrad. And then she does this spooky thing where she disappears into thin air, I guess to report back to her master. I though I peeped the GF grimacing at me from across the room, but I couldn’t tell if she was actually really mad at me, or if that was just how her face is set. I don’t think I saw her smile the whole night lol.

So I  told him, “I’m sorry. You tried to tell me, and I didn’t believe you. Clearly there’s a lot going on with the people at your school. I’m going to leave you alone now. Like I said, its not that serious.”

So I kinda just did my own thing for the rest of the night. The music was good so I did a lot of dancing. I’m a pretty good dancer, so dudes were getting sprung. Its not like I’m classically trained or anything, I just get down. lol. But yeah, two guys asked for my number, one is an engineer, the other is another med student but at a different school. They were just okay looking though… not drop dead gorgeous or anything. But they did help me get my mind off the guy who I went out with last week who fell off the face of the earth and pretty much just absconded with my ego. LOL.

Good night!

Last night I went to a gala celebrating the achievements of this absolutely PHENOMENAL black female doctor, Dr. Prothrow-Stith. Homegirl is an HBCU alum, Harvard-trained doctor, and the FIRST female Public Health Commissioner in Massachusetts. I mean, she is just amazing. I love seeing and hearing from people like her. They just inspire me. I totally want to be like her one day.

Plus… she is 1/2 of a fierce power couple. Her husband is the ambassador to Zimbabwe and promotes democracy in Africa. I mean…. how fierce can you be? I mean seriously. LOL.

In other news… my birthday is next week! I finally figured out what I’m going to do to celebrate.

I’m going to have dinner at a Senegalese restaurant in South End… I’m not Senegalese, but I am West African and I MISS food from home SO MUCH. It will be nice to enjoy some African food on my b-day. Also, I want to support a fellow African. Its also UBER-convenient cuz the place is down the street from my favorite club in Boston… At first I was going to try to find a more… diverse club (this place is mostly black), but I figured… whatever. Eff it. It’s my b-day. I’m going to go some place where I know I will have fun. My b-day is gonna be right after midterms, and I know I’m gonna want to let loose! Plus the place has chairs and tables that are open to everyone and it stays open late.

I also found my b-day dress. Its really cute and even more importantly, its cheap.

So everything is coming together nicely. 🙂

Well. Not everything.

Remember that dude that I posted about? The one who I was disappointed about… and then it was like “haha… just kidding!” and he asked me out? How about he didn’t call me after our date? *angry face*

I even went the extra mile and sent him a nice line via text yesterday. Just a “hey. how u doin” type thing. NO RESPONSE! Who does that? I mean the polite thing to do would be to at least say “hey. I’m fine.” Argh… men! I mean… we didn’t have the greatest date, but it was decent. It certainly wasn’t terrible lol.

Plus he’s acting like I’m not going to run into him eventually… this city is too small, plus we know a lot of the same people. Well. Whatever. I’ve moved on. Like I said… he’s not as cute as I initially thought he was anyway. I was wearing vodka-tinted glasses when we met. LOL. 😛

Anyway… I’m done for tonight. Love and kisses to you all!

So I got another week down, and this was definitely a long one. I’m going into midterms now. I don’t have any exams, just PAPERS. Its so different from what I was used to in medical school.

I did some shadowing in the ED this week, which was fun. They have a different approach to medicine than the other rotations I’ve been on. The choice between Emergency Medicine and OB/GYN will not be as clear cut as I thought. Being here in this program I’ve really come to understand and appreciate the importance of primary care medicine (seriously, its the primary care doctors that are going to fix the healthcare situation in this country, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise!) but…. I can’t see myself getting through a primary care residency. I was almost always bored in clinic… I love the idea of preventative medicine and conceptualizing the best way to implement it… but I don’t want to be the one that implements it, if that makes any sense. I just don’t find the doctor-patient relationship to be as rewarding as other people might. I did love my patients though.

I loved my patients on OB/GYN… I loved helping black women bringing a healthy kid into the world… and I loved the surgery aspect of it. But I don’t like family planning, which is where most of the public health/policy work is fixated. I would feel morally compromised about performing abortions…. but if I was an OB/GYN I wouldn’t want to be a doctor who COULDN’T or WOULDN’T perform abortions. I don’t think it would be fair to my patients.

I also loved my kids on Peds. I just love children period. I love seeing them healthy and happy. I loved my urgent care visits on Peds. You see sick kids and make them feel better. That’s one of the reasons I’m drawn to ER… I can do Peds ER without having to do a Peds residency with however many months of call/inpatient.

I dunno… there is no perfect field. I do think its going to be EM for me though, b/c I think I have a natural aptitude for it. I’m really fast on the wards… faster than most students. My medical knowledge is very good. I have a knack for procedural stuff. I would make a good surgeon, but I don’t love surgery enough for it to hold my attention through an entire residency. I could see myself getting sick of it haha. Its not immediately straightfoward to me how I will be able to make this perfect blend of a career, encompassing emergency medicine, public health/policy, and the promotion of diversity in academia and in healthcare (another passion of mine… I’m gonna have to write a post on it soon), BUT I think if anyone can do it, it will be me.  People are blending public health and surgery, so the same can definitely be done for EM.

So school has REALLY sped up, and the crazy thing is I’m only taking 1/2 of the number of credits I’m gonna be taking next qtr. Eeek!

I was up late just finishing up some Biostats. I’m really trying to plan my time better, but its hard. I’m the QUEEN of Procrastination, it seems.

Tomorrow evening, I’ll be shadowing in the ED. It’ll be my first time back in the hospital in MONTHS. The funny thing is, after I was done with 3rd year, I left and never looked back. I was just done with clinical stuff. I thought maybe I’d miss it but I don’t. LOL. I’m just doing this to make me a little more competitive for when I do go back to medical school…. I want to match into a good program.

Ugh this environment is so competitive! I keep applying for ish, and getting rejected. Like my ego is really taking a bruising right now. I’m kinda more pissed off than anything. My first reaction is usually… “what do you mean you had too many qualified applicants?! You’re telling me there was someone more qualified than me? That’s ridiculous! I’m fantastic!” as opposed to actually taking a critical review of myself. I think the next time I get rejected (cuz its sure to happen again), I’m going to actually try to follow up and get some feedback. That would be a good idea, right? Maybe I can actually show some humility. LOL.

This week is going to be really busy…a long with classes, I have this paper that I REALLY want to finish by…. hmm. I think I’m going to shoot for Saturday. There’s the whole shadowing thing. Then there’s my side job…. then there’s my hair, I really need to find a braiding shop up here, I wanna get it done before my B-day, then there’s social stuff. Oh and yet another dude asked me out on a date… maybe it has something to do with my b-day coming up or something LOL

OH yeah… speaking of dates…..  🙂

So that dude that I was soooo disappointed about last wk? Yeah, he ended up asking me out. Yeah, I was totally overreacting. He is totally cute… really sweet… a total gentleman.  He just doesn’t give me butterflies for some reason. Which SUCKS cuz he looks really good on paper.

It was a really nice date though. We talked about a bunch of different things… I like him cuz he’s humble… or at least I think he tried to be. He actually impresses me, which doesn’t happen often.  Still, during our date my mind kept wandering back to that guy I was crushing on in the spring? I dunno…. that guy was just so energetic, he had so much personality, I had so much fun with him. I wish things would have worked out. This new guy didn’t really make me laugh, and I love to laugh. I dunno. We’ll see how it goes. He hasn’t called or texted me yet.

But yeah, that’s it. I’m going to bed.

So.

I went out earlier. I only went because I hoping that this guy I had a crush on (we’ll call him Big Sexy) would show up, but he didn’t.

I was way too disappointed. Honestly, he’s the only reason I went out. There is really no reason for me to be going out in the middle of week. But I’ll know better next time.

Either way, I saw some people. There was this one guy there who is kinda growing on me. We’ll call him AA (for Arrogant Asshole). He had asked me out earlier today and I hadn’t decided if I was going to say yes or not. He acts like he’s this arrogant asshole but I’m beginning to be able to see through him lol. I think he’s just a big softie inside… so many of the playa playa types are. But he is growing on me. He asked me to the movies, unfortunately I had some other plans this weekend, but I’m not sure if I’m going to be going out of town anymore. I may take him up on his offer. I was looking at him today, and he’s actually kind of cute.

I don’t trust him though. I haven’t figured out if he’s just angling for sex or if he’s actually interested in something more. He asked me to the movies, but I think I’ll ask him if we can do something different, something that will give us a chance to to talk so that I can get inside his head. I need to talk to him, figure out where his mind is at.

I didn’t want to really do anything with him because he and Big Sexy know each other. I don’t know how well they know each other, but I already have enough messiness in my life. But Big Sexy hasn’t really shown any interest and for whatever reason the Arrogant Asshole has so, I guess I’ll just go with the flow.

In other news, there’s one other guy in one of my classes who asked me out. This particular guy is just random, I really don’t know what to think about him. His attention is flattering, I suppose. I haven’t decided if I’m going to go on a date with him either, to be honest.

Something that I’ve been wondering about. Why do these nerdy quiet types always go for the most gorgeous, hottest girl in the room? Like way out of their league. I have this guy friend (we’ll call him the Ambitious Guy)… he’s a new friend that I made up when I moved up here. Ambitious Guy is a nice guy, not overly flashy, just a nice guy. I had introduced him to this other girlfriend of mine, who is a nice girl, I thought she’d be a good fit for him. Neither of them were interested in each other. Ironically, I think they both felt like they were too cute for each other.

Anyway, me and Ambitious Guy go out again, but this time he’s over here asking about this other friend of mine who is WAY out of his league? I mean this other friend of mine is really pretty, and a really cute dresser, just an all around gorgeous girl, but I don’t see her going for this guy for some reason. I just don’t. But I think my male friend is just wow’d by her looks, I don’t think he’s really thinking this through. Either way, I said I’d do my best to make it happen, but I know its not going anywhere.

And I’m not hating or anything… men really need to reassess what factors they choose to consider when they decide which girl they’re going to go after. I mean, men just slay me. They really do.

I swear that I’m going to come back with a more professionally oriented post in the near future. I’ve just got a lot of guys in my life and its kinda taking up some mental energy.

I’m flawed.

Its something I’m quite frank about. I’m a very flawed individual. Its just because I’m blessed with favor and above average intelligence that I’ve made it this far in life.

My 24th b-day is coming up soon.

I want this next year to be a good year. I want to grow. I mean really grow.

Its funny. I have a favorite year of life. It was the year after I turned 20. It was my senior year of college. That was just an awesome year. I had so much fun, I had a good group of friends that I loved, I was finally out of a relationship that wasn’t going anywhere, I graduated college, I was traveling the country, I bought a car lol. Life was great.

I didn’t grow very much during that year though. I kind of put work and improvement aside and I just had fun. Most of my growing was in the years previously. The very long, painful, awkward years that were filled with lots of hard work and changing and adjusting and constantly re-evaluating.

I’m kind of coming to that crossroads now. Part of me wants this to be a year of growth and maturity, but growth is hard. Its kind of like getting in shape. Getting in shape sucks, BEING in shape feels great haha.

But seriously, I have a lot of bad habits that I want to break. Characteristics of myself that I know are holding me back from reaching my full potential. If I wanted, I could totally coast through this year. Grade inflation is real, and to be perfectly honest, my grades don’t really matter. Residency programs are not concerned about what my GPA was in an MPH program.

But there is a reason I came here.

As painful as it was to do, I knew I had to leave my friends and kind of carve a niche for myself. Kinda go out at it alone? But the thing with going at it alone, you can’t hide behind conformity, you can’t hide within the group.

Its hard.

I had so much fun this wknd. I bonded with my friend Friday afternoon, went out both Friday and Saturday night, met a bunch of new ppl, got pretty tipsy on Saturday… put one dude in his place, turned another one down gracefully, met another dude who may have some potential (rubs hands together and smiles mischievously), and put one of my friends on.

So glad I could finally get that out of my system, I was getting a little stir-crazy. Also, I think I may have found a good social group to tap into. So I’m really happy about that!

Life is good. 🙂