A Black Female Medical Student

Posted on: July 10, 2008

Work is still tiring and draining. I’ve been putting in overtime cuz I gots bills to pay.

So, I know in my last post I say I was gonna talk about being frugally and warmly fashionable in Chicago, but that requires actually thought, and I haven’t had the time to do that yet.

I want to talk about my hair.

My hair is natural right now, I just passed my 3 yr nappyversary this past 4 of July. Now, going natural was probably one of the best things I ever did. My confidence increased like tenfold, I broke out of like…. 20 mental prisons I was incarcerated in, and I got into the whole sexy, maverick, non-conformity groove that I haven’t been able to break free of since then.

But.

I’ve been kinda bored with it lately. I want to do something different. Try something new and sexy, you know. I’ve been think of relaxing (GASP…. I know I know), and going short a la Rihanna, (because the wrap/ doobie/ wash every 2 weeks/ touch up every six weeks just ain’t happening right now) but I CAN’T DO IT.

You know how people agonize and are absolutely terrified of coming face to face with their naps? Such is how I have been agonizing over relaxing. I actually went out and bought a relaxer the other day. The plan was to do the relaxer myself (before I cut my hair, I had been relaxed for about 7 yrs and had self-styled for 4) and then go to salon for the new, sexy, summer cut that would bring me back to dyme status cuz I’ve been slacking for the last couple…. weeks.

But I mixed the relaxer and then I just sat and stared at the jar for about 3 minutes. Then I lay down (fetal position) and rocked myself to sleep. When I woke up, the jar was still siting there, I had missed my appointment and I was still bored and dissatisfied with my hair.

Don’t get me wrong, I luv being natural. I luv saying I’m natural. I love being dark-skinned, natural and beautiful. I feel like I am just a nice big “*%$& you” personified to all the corporate media big wigs who perpetuated the standards of beauty that have excluded black people for centuries. Forget about the white fobs who set the standards…. everybody know they were raping their slaves on the sly. They knew what was up.

Anyways, its not the cutting that has me freaked out(even though I had been trying to grow my hair out before this cute and destroy urge hit me), its the relaxing. I feel like if I relax, I will be damaging a part of myself.

Is that crazy? Its not like I have anything against those who chose to relax their hair. I am not of the school of thought that thinks that all those with relaxed hair need emancipation from mental slavery. I am disturbed by the fact that I want to do something, but I can’t seem to get past the hang ups I have about it mentally.

Am I mentally enslaved?

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