A Black Female Medical Student

Random ramblings, I suppose

Posted on: September 26, 2011

Everything here is so competitive.

I guess I’ve been in a really competitive environment for a long time, but I don’t think its affected me as much until now. Maybe its because I didn’t really feel like I was competitive until now? Or maybe I was afraid of trying to compete and failing. Ugh… that’s disappointing. What an average mindset.

Over the past couple of days I’ve been obsessed with Wale. Yeah, yeah I know. I hopped on the bandwagon late, especially considering we’re from the same part of the world, but in my defense… I haven’t lived in The Area full-time since I was 16 yrs old. Anyway, he’s just been coming out with some good ish lately. I watched a couple of videos on his vlog, and something he said struck me. I can’t really remember the exact quote, but it had something to do with how now he’s finally putting it all out there, believing in his talent, giving it his all, and opening himself up for rejection.

I was sitting there watching just thinking, Wow. That must have been really scary.

My whole life, I’ve kinda hidden behind something. In high school it was my tomboy image and a bunch of baggy clothes. In college, it was my glasses and my whole persona as the nerdy bio major. In med school, there was no consistent theme lol, I just always found a reason not to shine, and ‘”be all out there”.

Part of me was because I was afraid that I would fail and be absolutely horrible at whatever it was that I tried, so its better to just put a half-ass effort so at least you can always tell yourself you could have done better…

But another part of it is because part of me has always felt that I was different, more unique, that there was something about me that distinguishes me from everyone else, and I think, at the root of it, I was kind of afraid of stepping out on my own, being different, and not fitting in.

Its scary to go out and take a risk and just do your own thing, to go without the comfort and security of the rest of the crowd. Like that saying goes, from what I’ve heard, “its lonely at the top. I mean , yeah the top sounds great, but who wants to be lonely?

Since I’ve moved here, I’ve made a few friends, have been able to go out and do some thinga, but I’ve also spent a lot of time by myself. Alone.

Before I go on, I should say that I’m terrified of being alone. I grew up with 3 siblings, never had a room to myself. I alwas had someone to talk to, someone to fight with, someone to laugh with, someone to love, someone to hold a grudge against, you know?  So its been different, being out here on my own. But even though I’m on my own, I haven’t necessarily been lonely. I’ve gotten much better acquainted with myself, and I like myself more than I thought I would.. I’ve actually been really peaceful and happy.

I’ve also had to come face to face with some serious flaws that I’ve had. And being that I’m all alone and its just me and me (lol), I can’t help but face them. And I’m forcing myself to address them. In a real way.

So it hasn’t been all that bad.

🙂

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