A Black Female Medical Student

Down in the Dumps… :-(

Posted on: January 26, 2012

I feel like a total screw up. Sometimes I’m afraid that I’m destined to be one of those women who looks like she has it all on the outside, but goes home to a huge tastefully decorated condo and cooks herself a 5-star meal to eat. By herself. Then goes to cuddle up in a king size bed with porn and a dildo. Alone.

I’m afraid I won’t meet a man who I really like, and who likes me back. The guys who try to talk to me, I just don’t like. The ones I like… don’t talk to me. Or they’re unavailable. Or they’re in a relationship with someone else. Or they just don’t want to settle down. I try not to take it personal, but deep down inside, I’m afraid it is. I’m afraid its me.

I wonder when my time will come. Because though I like to see my friends happy, it hurts to see them couple up one by one, while I’m standing off to the side, all by my lonesome.

I act really confident and sure of myself, but I’m always picking apart parts of myself. Trying to figure out which parts of myself I need to change, wondering if I had done this differently, or said this instead of that, would I be in a happy relationship right now?

Last year sucked because the guy I liked was still in my life, and I saw him all the time. It hurt that he chose his girlfriend over me. And seeing him all the time and acting like I was okay with just being friends and didn’t fantasize about jumping his bones almost daily was difficult. I tried to date someone else to take my mind off it, but it didn’t really help. I didn’t get what I wanted.

The next guy I liked ended up moving. I’m embarrassed that I still think about him sometimes. I feel like he probably doesn’t even give me a second thought.

Now I’m afraid to put myself out there again. I’m afraid to like anyone else. I’m afraid to get rejected. So I dismiss guys for small infractions. I just wanna reject them before they reject me, because I know it will hurt me so much more than it ever would them.

I act like I’m untouchable and so in control of my emotions, so about my career, so on top of things, but really I just wanna be in love. Wanna be swept off my feet. I want to be someone’s soulmate, someone’s confidant, someone’s best friend, someone’s Michelle.

Everything else I want in life, I pretty much have. Its not that I’m spoiled. I don’t even have that much, but I have my family, my friends, and I’m healthy so I’m thankful. Its just frustrating because after years and years of work, most things in my life are starting to pay off.. But as hard as I’ve tried to bounce back after getting my heart broken, to be happy for my friends who fall in love and make it work, to smile when a guy I liked for years would tell me about yet another conquest, another piece of ass, another girl he’s trying to get, I can’t just make love happen for me.

I dunno. That might seem obvious to the next person, but that is very frustrating for a girl like me. I have never felt like I just couldn’t do something.

And its not that I don’t know what its like to try and fail at something. I’ve experienced it before. But no matter what has happened, deep down inside, I have always felt like I could do anything I want, have anything I want, experience everything I want, if I just stuck with it and kept trying. And its kept me going.

But now I’m not so sure.

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3 Responses to "Down in the Dumps… :-("

Being careful with your heart has nothing but long term gains involved. You are learning about yourself along with creating and modifying your expectations and interests. All of this makes you less inclined to be reckless with hearts especially yours. Good things come to those who wait and truly know what they want. If you are looking for something serious, your time is best spent not focusing on someone who does not. Have you ever wondered if you are attracted to people who are not available? No disrespect, I am speaking of myself as well. You see, I was so use to having things my way, as you, that when it wasn’t I didn’t know how to handle it. I realize that I had developed this arrogance that anything I want, I shall have without even analyzing if I was worthy of it or it of me. It took time and I still have to work at maintaining a gracious attitude regardless of the circumstances. I just constantly pray that I am able to recognize greatness when I see it and prepare myself to be a its refection.

I totally agree with Sarah, she could not have said it better.

When you least expect to find someone, it will happen then.

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