A Black Female Medical Student

I know I said that’s what I wanted….

Posted on: February 14, 2012

I’m scared.

It just seems like my future career is starting to seem more and more in reach. Its hard to believe in less than 18 months I’m going to be an intern somewhere, and lives will literally be in my hands.

I’ve waited so long for this, and now that it seems all the more imminent, I’m scared shitless. Especially as I see my friends prepping for Match Day and after that Graduation. We came in this process together and now they’re taking their next steps. Its frickin’ crazy.

I started thinking about it more as I started thinking about this research project that I’m doing now. Its small, and un-funded, and while my mentor has been super awesome and supportive, at the end of the day, it seems like everything is going to be up to me. I have to find funding by myself, design my own survey, submit an IRB application, and in the summer I’ll be traveling out to the field (its an international project), to actually field the survey… its actually pretty nerve racking for me b/c I’ve never done anything like this before. I’m honestly afraid that I will fail.

I mean, this experience will be great for me, no doubt… if I can actually pull it off.

But its funny, b/c in the future that I imagined for myself, this is what I said I wanted. In all my personal statements, interviews, casual chat, I described exactly this.  I saw myself saving lives, running research projects, doing international work. THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT I SAID I WANTED.

But now that is actually coming, I’m backtracking like nobody’s business.

Honestly, I saw this happening for grownup BlackGirlMD. The BlackGirlMD with the plan who had it all figured out. I don’t know when I thought I would become that person, but I assumed it would happen, and then I would be ready to take on all this responsibility.

I mean, I guess I’m going about it the right way. Its a small project, I have a really cool, really involved mentor, and I’m doing it during a technical gap year. But its definitely a bigger undertaking that I initially thought it would be, and I’ve got a case of the self-doubts. Sigh.

Either way…. I’m going to work it out. I always do. I’ll let you know how it all goes down.

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