A Black Female Medical Student

Here. 🙂

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I am sooooo beat. I need to have this first draft of my grant application into my advisor tomorrow, and I have like 1/2 a page written. It needs to be 5 pages (yeah its a small grant… my first one!). That’s what I get for pushing things to the last minute.

I may have to skip class (again) tomorrow morning and just power it out when I wake up tomorrow morning. I *really* wanted to have at least the background figured out and written tonight though. Ugh…. :-/

I have way too much stuff going on.

So tired.

When I started the MPH, I thought it was gonna be this chill easy thing! Sorely mistaken. I’m working pretty hard. I’m just hoping it ends up being worth it in the end. I *really* do.

Whatever, I have 2 more wks til midterms and then I’m going to do some traveling to spend some time with friends and family. I just gotta make it through these next couple of wks.

Beat.

So I’m going back to the place I called home for 3 yrs before I moved to where I am now. I’m so excited. I’ve been g-chatting my friends all day. All: “Tomorrow’s the day! Are you excited?”

Even though I’m sad cuz I’ve missed them, it makes me feel kinda good cuz they’ve missed me too. Its all love over here.

My ex will be there. He texted me yesterday saying he missed me and he would be excited to see me. We talked last week and I was griping about how I haven’t been out on a date in so long. He offered to take me out, which was sweet of him. At the same time it was a pathetic look for me. lol. But its so funny how things happened, I was complaining about all of that, and then I turn around and get asked on 3 dates within 1 week. But I’m too busy to go on any of them, so supposedly I have 3 dates scheduled for next wk. Life is funny. Hence the title.

I’m scared.

It just seems like my future career is starting to seem more and more in reach. Its hard to believe in less than 18 months I’m going to be an intern somewhere, and lives will literally be in my hands.

I’ve waited so long for this, and now that it seems all the more imminent, I’m scared shitless. Especially as I see my friends prepping for Match Day and after that Graduation. We came in this process together and now they’re taking their next steps. Its frickin’ crazy.

I started thinking about it more as I started thinking about this research project that I’m doing now. Its small, and un-funded, and while my mentor has been super awesome and supportive, at the end of the day, it seems like everything is going to be up to me. I have to find funding by myself, design my own survey, submit an IRB application, and in the summer I’ll be traveling out to the field (its an international project), to actually field the survey… its actually pretty nerve racking for me b/c I’ve never done anything like this before. I’m honestly afraid that I will fail.

I mean, this experience will be great for me, no doubt… if I can actually pull it off.

But its funny, b/c in the future that I imagined for myself, this is what I said I wanted. In all my personal statements, interviews, casual chat, I described exactly this.  I saw myself saving lives, running research projects, doing international work. THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT I SAID I WANTED.

But now that is actually coming, I’m backtracking like nobody’s business.

Honestly, I saw this happening for grownup BlackGirlMD. The BlackGirlMD with the plan who had it all figured out. I don’t know when I thought I would become that person, but I assumed it would happen, and then I would be ready to take on all this responsibility.

I mean, I guess I’m going about it the right way. Its a small project, I have a really cool, really involved mentor, and I’m doing it during a technical gap year. But its definitely a bigger undertaking that I initially thought it would be, and I’ve got a case of the self-doubts. Sigh.

Either way…. I’m going to work it out. I always do. I’ll let you know how it all goes down.

So I’ve been thinking a lot about my career lately. I had a talk with a mentor today, and I’m really appreciative of how honest he was and how willing he is to share his insights with me. It got me thinking.

I’ve attended a lot of talks, seminars, symposiums, presentations, conferences, workshops…. (lol)

and whenever you have a bigwig at the podium they are almost always asked “how did you get involved in _____________.” I rarely hear someone say that it was a straightforward journey, or “oh I knew from _______ age that I was gonna do exactly this.” They often say that they fell into it. Or there was some meandering, tortuous path that they took to get to that point.

Many times they’ll tell the a story that seems too lucky, too serendipitous to be true, and it will be really UN-helpful to the rest of us in the audience who are really just looking for a formula. I mean, for the longest, I’ve been looking for someone to tell me how to be a leader, to tell me how to be successful. Just tell me steps 1-3 and I’ll do it. I mean, that’s how I got into medical school, that’s how I got into college. Someone gave me a formula and I followed it.

But its a little different now. Its not straightforward, and definitely not formulaic. After hearing soooo many speeches and reading as many books, I realize that most of these people just saw an opportunity and went for it. Saw an open door and walked through, saw a crack in the wall and pushed through it. Some of them were looking for it, some of then just happened to glance over at the right time, but either way… it was there and they went for it.

So… for the past few years, I’ve been interested in a certain niche. Its not a niche that’s really popular or common these days… but it was in the past. These days its over-populated and under-funded at the same time. Unfortunately. I’ve been pretty staunch in maintaining my interest in this field. And I would say that I am more well-read, more insightful, and probably more experienced in this area than many of my peers. But its still not enough, because its not my peers that I’m competing against… but people who are really well-known.

However, there’s another niche that’s opening up. One that it seems like I’m oddly and uniquely well-connected in… and there’s an opportunity for me to establish myself in it early, and if all goes to plan, be a leader in the field at a very young age.

Its a conflict for me b/c while I’m interested in the field, its not necessarily where I saw myself working at this point in my life. I saw myself pursuing that area a few years down the road. But here is a very unique and tantalizing opportunity to jump in now, and get training and mentoring from some awesome people in the field who, for whatever reason, seem to like me and believe in me. But I’m afraid I might be turning my back on this other population that I really want to advocate for, and one that I truly care about.

So I don’t know.

I’m afraid that this is a crack in the wall that I’m staring directly at…. and I just walk on past it, I could be missing out on a major opportunity. But I also feel like this population that I really care about, doesn’t have enough bright, well-connected and passionate people going for it…. and that I will be abandoning them like so many others have done.

I don’t know.

 

I feel like a total screw up. Sometimes I’m afraid that I’m destined to be one of those women who looks like she has it all on the outside, but goes home to a huge tastefully decorated condo and cooks herself a 5-star meal to eat. By herself. Then goes to cuddle up in a king size bed with porn and a dildo. Alone.

I’m afraid I won’t meet a man who I really like, and who likes me back. The guys who try to talk to me, I just don’t like. The ones I like… don’t talk to me. Or they’re unavailable. Or they’re in a relationship with someone else. Or they just don’t want to settle down. I try not to take it personal, but deep down inside, I’m afraid it is. I’m afraid its me.

I wonder when my time will come. Because though I like to see my friends happy, it hurts to see them couple up one by one, while I’m standing off to the side, all by my lonesome.

I act really confident and sure of myself, but I’m always picking apart parts of myself. Trying to figure out which parts of myself I need to change, wondering if I had done this differently, or said this instead of that, would I be in a happy relationship right now?

Last year sucked because the guy I liked was still in my life, and I saw him all the time. It hurt that he chose his girlfriend over me. And seeing him all the time and acting like I was okay with just being friends and didn’t fantasize about jumping his bones almost daily was difficult. I tried to date someone else to take my mind off it, but it didn’t really help. I didn’t get what I wanted.

The next guy I liked ended up moving. I’m embarrassed that I still think about him sometimes. I feel like he probably doesn’t even give me a second thought.

Now I’m afraid to put myself out there again. I’m afraid to like anyone else. I’m afraid to get rejected. So I dismiss guys for small infractions. I just wanna reject them before they reject me, because I know it will hurt me so much more than it ever would them.

I act like I’m untouchable and so in control of my emotions, so about my career, so on top of things, but really I just wanna be in love. Wanna be swept off my feet. I want to be someone’s soulmate, someone’s confidant, someone’s best friend, someone’s Michelle.

Everything else I want in life, I pretty much have. Its not that I’m spoiled. I don’t even have that much, but I have my family, my friends, and I’m healthy so I’m thankful. Its just frustrating because after years and years of work, most things in my life are starting to pay off.. But as hard as I’ve tried to bounce back after getting my heart broken, to be happy for my friends who fall in love and make it work, to smile when a guy I liked for years would tell me about yet another conquest, another piece of ass, another girl he’s trying to get, I can’t just make love happen for me.

I dunno. That might seem obvious to the next person, but that is very frustrating for a girl like me. I have never felt like I just couldn’t do something.

And its not that I don’t know what its like to try and fail at something. I’ve experienced it before. But no matter what has happened, deep down inside, I have always felt like I could do anything I want, have anything I want, experience everything I want, if I just stuck with it and kept trying. And its kept me going.

But now I’m not so sure.

OMG I was doing so good with the blogging for awhile and then I fell off again.

Whatever, I’m back now.

So…what’s new? Umm… not much really. As far as school, I’m getting my Step 2 game on, and starting to go about applying for Sub-Is. I gotta move fast cuz the ones I want are competitive.Its def gonna be EM btw.

As far as dating. Every guy that I was talking to back in October fell off the roster. They didn’t get traded. They just got cut. Not really a big deal… but they weren’t coming to practice and showing up late for games. That sort of thing. They didn’t seem dedicated and just weren’t performing. Not championship material at all, but they still were trying to be really high-maintenance and it was draining me. It was like having a team full of Carlos Boozers circa June 2011. You might get that reference or you might not. Just know its not a good situation.

LOL Okay, I’ll stop with the analogy.

But I also think I was maybe keeping some of those guys around for the sake of my ego. Which is just silly. So I decided to be mature and end it.

But yeah. I cleaned out shop but there are some new guys sorta moseying around.

I’m not really all that pressed about dating this year. I really want my next relationship to be with the person I end up marrying and there a lot of things I need to sort out with myself before I’ll be ready for that. I’m not there now b/c I’m still kinda unstable. Its not until 2013 that I’ll find myself living in one place for 3 years or more, so its unlikely that I’d be able to build up a stable long term relationship with someone before then. I mean, I’m open to the idea but I’m not pushing it. Plus I want to really improve my relationship with God so that I can hear from Him clearly when the time comes for me to make that decision.