A Black Female Medical Student

I feel like a total screw up. Sometimes I’m afraid that I’m destined to be one of those women who looks like she has it all on the outside, but goes home to a huge tastefully decorated condo and cooks herself a 5-star meal to eat. By herself. Then goes to cuddle up in a king size bed with porn and a dildo. Alone.

I’m afraid I won’t meet a man who I really like, and who likes me back. The guys who try to talk to me, I just don’t like. The ones I like… don’t talk to me. Or they’re unavailable. Or they’re in a relationship with someone else. Or they just don’t want to settle down. I try not to take it personal, but deep down inside, I’m afraid it is. I’m afraid its me.

I wonder when my time will come. Because though I like to see my friends happy, it hurts to see them couple up one by one, while I’m standing off to the side, all by my lonesome.

I act really confident and sure of myself, but I’m always picking apart parts of myself. Trying to figure out which parts of myself I need to change, wondering if I had done this differently, or said this instead of that, would I be in a happy relationship right now?

Last year sucked because the guy I liked was still in my life, and I saw him all the time. It hurt that he chose his girlfriend over me. And seeing him all the time and acting like I was okay with just being friends and didn’t fantasize about jumping his bones almost daily was difficult. I tried to date someone else to take my mind off it, but it didn’t really help. I didn’t get what I wanted.

The next guy I liked ended up moving. I’m embarrassed that I still think about him sometimes. I feel like he probably doesn’t even give me a second thought.

Now I’m afraid to put myself out there again. I’m afraid to like anyone else. I’m afraid to get rejected. So I dismiss guys for small infractions. I just wanna reject them before they reject me, because I know it will hurt me so much more than it ever would them.

I act like I’m untouchable and so in control of my emotions, so about my career, so on top of things, but really I just wanna be in love. Wanna be swept off my feet. I want to be someone’s soulmate, someone’s confidant, someone’s best friend, someone’s Michelle.

Everything else I want in life, I pretty much have. Its not that I’m spoiled. I don’t even have that much, but I have my family, my friends, and I’m healthy so I’m thankful. Its just frustrating because after years and years of work, most things in my life are starting to pay off.. But as hard as I’ve tried to bounce back after getting my heart broken, to be happy for my friends who fall in love and make it work, to smile when a guy I liked for years would tell me about yet another conquest, another piece of ass, another girl he’s trying to get, I can’t just make love happen for me.

I dunno. That might seem obvious to the next person, but that is very frustrating for a girl like me. I have never felt like I just couldn’t do something.

And its not that I don’t know what its like to try and fail at something. I’ve experienced it before. But no matter what has happened, deep down inside, I have always felt like I could do anything I want, have anything I want, experience everything I want, if I just stuck with it and kept trying. And its kept me going.

But now I’m not so sure.

OMG I was doing so good with the blogging for awhile and then I fell off again.

Whatever, I’m back now.

So…what’s new? Umm… not much really. As far as school, I’m getting my Step 2 game on, and starting to go about applying for Sub-Is. I gotta move fast cuz the ones I want are competitive.Its def gonna be EM btw.

As far as dating. Every guy that I was talking to back in October fell off the roster. They didn’t get traded. They just got cut. Not really a big deal… but they weren’t coming to practice and showing up late for games. That sort of thing. They didn’t seem dedicated and just weren’t performing. Not championship material at all, but they still were trying to be really high-maintenance and it was draining me. It was like having a team full of Carlos Boozers circa June 2011. You might get that reference or you might not. Just know its not a good situation.

LOL Okay, I’ll stop with the analogy.

But I also think I was maybe keeping some of those guys around for the sake of my ego. Which is just silly. So I decided to be mature and end it.

But yeah. I cleaned out shop but there are some new guys sorta moseying around.

I’m not really all that pressed about dating this year. I really want my next relationship to be with the person I end up marrying and there a lot of things I need to sort out with myself before I’ll be ready for that. I’m not there now b/c I’m still kinda unstable. Its not until 2013 that I’ll find myself living in one place for 3 years or more, so its unlikely that I’d be able to build up a stable long term relationship with someone before then. I mean, I’m open to the idea but I’m not pushing it. Plus I want to really improve my relationship with God so that I can hear from Him clearly when the time comes for me to make that decision.