A Black Female Medical Student

Archive for July 2008

So that weave was obvioulsy not meant to be…. it really didn’t work out. We had to part ways, only one day after we met. But seriously, it looked HORRENDOUS. I ended up putting in microbraids.

I’m in the Chi-town AREA. In the past two days, I’ve watched B-rock board his private jet and seen R.Kelly’s house. Since then, I’ve just been staying over at one my mom’s friends from high school. She heard I was gonna be in the area and got mad excited.

I like the people out here though. Its weird, but they are so much friendlier than the people in Maryland. I really think that MD/DC people are some of the most unfriendly people in the US. I mean, once you get to know them they’re cool and all (except for some semi-frequent bouts of fakeness, but that happens everywhere), but they are very cold if they don’t know you.

It never bothered me until I left Maryland for college where everybody was so freakin’ nice. I seriously thought something was wrong with them. Where I’m from the only people who are nice like that are very old people (if they’re not racist) and retards. Then I realize that there were some real assholes in Maryland. When I first graduated college, I was much friendlier (and suddenly very proper), but after a few months in Maryland and DC I felt that stankness coming on lol.

Anyways, I’ve got a bunch of shopping to do. I’m moving into the apartment today!

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Posted on: July 28, 2008

This post is gonna be hella short, because I am *DEAD* tired.

I leave for Chicago on TUESDAY… i.e., TOMORROW.

I have to go shopping… pack… and get my hair done.

Oh yeah, and I bought my ticker fot $106…. yeah, baby… Priceline has been my best friend lately.

In other news, I feel INFINITELY better about going to medical school now. I asked my best friend, a business major, to draw up a budget for me, so that I will only be spending a minimum amount of loan money this year. He also happens to be a freakin Excel GENIUS so I know he’s going to work some magic for me.

Also, I have enlisted the help of my Auntie to put my weave in for me *FREE* (yes, Queen of Cheapnicity is at it again) so, thats just one less kink that I need to work out in life. I have never had a weave put in my hair before…. I want to get a full sew-in for myriad reasons of which I won’t go into now because black haircare is another on of my slight obsessions and once I get started on it, I can’t stop…. I just keep going and going and going….

But I’m getting some human hair track sewn in… I’m going for the long flowy look… a la recent photos of Tatyana Ali or Sanaa Lathan… lemme find some for ya….

Doesn’t Tatyana’s skin look gorgeous? Mine has been burnt to a crisp due to all the cavorting in the sun that I’ve been doing. But I want th length to be a little close to Tatyana’s rather than Sanaa… I can’t have that much fake hair on my haed. I think I would keep over and fall from the weight.

Really… I’m just an itty-bitty thing. I’m going to have to put some photos up of myself in the near future, though I liked the thought of being an anonymous blogger, I think it will be fun for this blog to have a “face”.

Okay, seriously, I’m tired.

G’nite!

So I just go back from Miami. It was a lot of fun, and very relaxing.

I leave for Chicago on Tuesday. I have yet to find a plane ticket.

Before you start to lecture  me about gas prices and rising airfare costs, I will have you know that I bought my plane ticket to Miami ONE day before I left and I paid $167 for it. Round trip. From DC.

Yes, I am the QUEEN of Cheapnicity. This is not out of stinginess, but out of necessity. Out of brokenicity.

Okay, I’ll stop. I’m a college grad. I have a vocabulary. lol.

Anyway, I’m going to church tomorrow, hopefully gettin a weave put in (my first ever!!!) and going school shopping. I have limited funds so all I’m buying are some notebooks/pens and drawls.

You know, like underwear?

Anyways, I might post some more about my trip tomorrow. But I got in really late last night, and was up really early to catch my flight so I need some sleep.

Posted on: July 18, 2008

I am so tired. I should be in bed.

The doctor’s office called me. They want me to come in tomorrow so that they can take more of my blood. I’m anemic…. I don’t need to lose anymore blood! Lol…. sike…. not really.

I had to get 5 blood titers to show proof of immunization to several diseases. Apparently they messed up one of my tests so I gotta go back in for another one.  I hate getting stuck by needles, and I have the smallest, driest veins in the world, so its difficult.

I’m also in the middle of a big fight with my parents. I’m not going to go into the whole “I’m 20, big, bad, and in control” schpiel, but I really wish they would just chill sometimes. I mean, I’m 20…. I graduated college…. I’m going to medical school. You did your job. Sheesh.

I was talking to my ex-boyfriend today. I want him back, I really do. He’s a great guy….. However, he claims that he is too freaked out by the thought of being in a long-distance relationship (and I really can’t blame him, Midwest-East Coast is really crazy, especially with the whole economy/ oil fiasco currently happening) so its a no- go for the 2 of us.

Its just hard for me because I’ve never loved anyone so much, and I don’t wanna love anyone else as much. Do you know how DIFFICULT it was for us to get to this stage? How much crap we had to put with each other? I’m not doing this love thing with anyone else… uh-uh. Sorry.

And its not just that. I really do love him. When I’m with him, its like things just click. There are no fireworks, nothing crazy and passionate, unless we get carried away while arguing or uhh… you know, but even then, there’s that click. It just feels… correct. But we’ll see how it goes. Cuz to me, he’s talking a lot of smack. He loves me and he tells me in all different kinds of ways, but maybe he just doesn’t love me enough to handle a long-distance relationship?

Honestly, I don’t know if I love him enough. I just want him.

I know that the title of this blog is “The Black Female Maverick”, but it should really be called “The Black Female Medical Student.” A huge portion of my life has been dedicated to medicine, and after 4 years of “being pressed” as my family says, I am finally about to start medical school.

I always like to go into every situation as prepared as possible, and if I had been going to my state school  (the way I had assumed I would for until about 5 weeks ago), I would. But here I am, 2 weeks before school is about to start, no place, no furniture and no plans to get some. I don’t know what happened.

I’m a bit concerned as to how well I will be able to fit in at my medical school. Coming from where I’m from, ya know. The medical school is situated on its university campus, which is known world-wide for its…. umm… intellectual flava, i.e., nerdiness.

Now I enjoy a good intellectual chat just as much as the next person, but…. I don’t know. I just have some misgivings about all of this. I’m pretty regular chick. I graduated from a public high school squarely in the middle of my class, and pretty much did the same thing in college. A good Friday night for me is hanging out with friends, having a little too much to drink, getting something broken, maybe give my phone number out to a new somebody, laughing too hard and too loud with friends and people I hardly know, then stumbling back to the room. That is fun for me. I like Jon Stewart, offensive humor, and adult cartoons. Check my wardrobe, music collection, pretty much every part of my life except for my book collection…. I’m a regular chick. A regular Maryland chick. A regular black Maryland chick.

I am not a gunner, and to be honest, haven’t interacted with white people on a regular basis since high school.  I am worried that I will not fit in. I had a great support network in college, and I’m afraid I won’t have the same in medical school. Right now, I have decided that worst come to worst, I will tough it out for the first year and the convince all my friends who aren’t yet in medical school now to apply to med school in Chicago. Then we can all be cold and miserable together.

Sike…. I wouldn’t do that. I don’t think.

I am going further/ farther in my life and education than anyone else I grew up with. One of my friends came over today, we graduated together, I love this girl. She’s married, due in September. Her baby shower is the day after I start my first class in medical school at Chicago, I’m so sad that I’m going to have to miss it. Most of my black friends from high school have started families, and either weren’t able to finish college, or just couldn’t attend. While away at college, it was easier to act like nothing had changed, like we were still the same and my experiences weren’t diverse varied enough to make any noticeable difference in our relationship. I think that’s changing.

I’m excited about medical school. I’m excited about being surrounded by a group of students just as motivated as I am, if not more. I’m excited about the new opportunities that moving halfway across the country to attend medical school will afford me. I look forward to learning with and from brilliant people, and I think that I will be challenged in ways that I have never been. There are scholarships and programs that I look forward to applying to, organizations that I am hell-bent on joining and one day leading, and I know that this is just the beginning to me making my mark on the practice and art of minority medicine. Its gonna be huge…. I just know it.

However, I am afraid of the possibility of losing myself in the midst of all this. Will I still maintain my irreverent sense of humor, my cynicism, my maverick identity, my quirky taste in music? Will I still enjoy the sweaty, mind-numbing entertainment of a night at the club, or its cooler, more intimate counterpoint, and my favorite weekend pastime, the semi-spontaneous house party? Will I become put off by song lyrics and off-color jokes that once entertained and amused me?

When does it move from necessary growth to loss of identity?

I went from a diverse high school to homogeneous secondary educational institution and changed into someone that I like, I looked forward to the change, welcomed it, initiated it. I have left my alma mater and will be going to another homogeneous secondary educational institution all the way on the other side of the spectrum, and I have no desire to change. I like me just the way I am. I like my simplicity. I like being me.

Maybe I’m worrying about nothing. Maybe I will arrive in school and everything will be just to my liking. All I know is, I don’t want to go back to being the odd one out. It was nice to spend somewhere, being young, black, gifted, going somewhere in life, and the MAJORITY, and that will not be the case in Chicago.

You know what, whatever, I need to get over it. I just finished reading a post by a black female medical student blogger that articulated every single one of my worst….no WORSTEST fears. Then, I stumbled upon a blog of another black female medical student that has accomplished almost everything that I hope to accomplish in medical school, as well as opened my eyes up to possibilities and goals to set for myself that I wasn’t aware of prior to reading her blog. I love when that happens.

But look what I decided to base this entry on??? So sad…. I SMDH at myself. Anyways, here on out, it’ll be positive, I promise. I won’t lose myself, but I will gain a better perspective on a side of myself I may not have been introduced to yet, which is good. Not bad.

If I’m really going to make it as a doctor I have GOT to be more positive.

G’nite.

This made me laugh so I decided to share it….. His name is Maronzio Vance and he’s a funny dude.

Posted on: July 10, 2008

Work is still tiring and draining. I’ve been putting in overtime cuz I gots bills to pay.

So, I know in my last post I say I was gonna talk about being frugally and warmly fashionable in Chicago, but that requires actually thought, and I haven’t had the time to do that yet.

I want to talk about my hair.

My hair is natural right now, I just passed my 3 yr nappyversary this past 4 of July. Now, going natural was probably one of the best things I ever did. My confidence increased like tenfold, I broke out of like…. 20 mental prisons I was incarcerated in, and I got into the whole sexy, maverick, non-conformity groove that I haven’t been able to break free of since then.

But.

I’ve been kinda bored with it lately. I want to do something different. Try something new and sexy, you know. I’ve been think of relaxing (GASP…. I know I know), and going short a la Rihanna, (because the wrap/ doobie/ wash every 2 weeks/ touch up every six weeks just ain’t happening right now) but I CAN’T DO IT.

You know how people agonize and are absolutely terrified of coming face to face with their naps? Such is how I have been agonizing over relaxing. I actually went out and bought a relaxer the other day. The plan was to do the relaxer myself (before I cut my hair, I had been relaxed for about 7 yrs and had self-styled for 4) and then go to salon for the new, sexy, summer cut that would bring me back to dyme status cuz I’ve been slacking for the last couple…. weeks.

But I mixed the relaxer and then I just sat and stared at the jar for about 3 minutes. Then I lay down (fetal position) and rocked myself to sleep. When I woke up, the jar was still siting there, I had missed my appointment and I was still bored and dissatisfied with my hair.

Don’t get me wrong, I luv being natural. I luv saying I’m natural. I love being dark-skinned, natural and beautiful. I feel like I am just a nice big “*%$& you” personified to all the corporate media big wigs who perpetuated the standards of beauty that have excluded black people for centuries. Forget about the white fobs who set the standards…. everybody know they were raping their slaves on the sly. They knew what was up.

Anyways, its not the cutting that has me freaked out(even though I had been trying to grow my hair out before this cute and destroy urge hit me), its the relaxing. I feel like if I relax, I will be damaging a part of myself.

Is that crazy? Its not like I have anything against those who chose to relax their hair. I am not of the school of thought that thinks that all those with relaxed hair need emancipation from mental slavery. I am disturbed by the fact that I want to do something, but I can’t seem to get past the hang ups I have about it mentally.

Am I mentally enslaved?