A Black Female Medical Student

I know that the title of this blog is “The Black Female Maverick”, but it should really be called “The Black Female Medical Student.” A huge portion of my life has been dedicated to medicine, and after 4 years of “being pressed” as my family says, I am finally about to start medical school.

I always like to go into every situation as prepared as possible, and if I had been going to my state school  (the way I had assumed I would for until about 5 weeks ago), I would. But here I am, 2 weeks before school is about to start, no place, no furniture and no plans to get some. I don’t know what happened.

I’m a bit concerned as to how well I will be able to fit in at my medical school. Coming from where I’m from, ya know. The medical school is situated on its university campus, which is known world-wide for its…. umm… intellectual flava, i.e., nerdiness.

Now I enjoy a good intellectual chat just as much as the next person, but…. I don’t know. I just have some misgivings about all of this. I’m pretty regular chick. I graduated from a public high school squarely in the middle of my class, and pretty much did the same thing in college. A good Friday night for me is hanging out with friends, having a little too much to drink, getting something broken, maybe give my phone number out to a new somebody, laughing too hard and too loud with friends and people I hardly know, then stumbling back to the room. That is fun for me. I like Jon Stewart, offensive humor, and adult cartoons. Check my wardrobe, music collection, pretty much every part of my life except for my book collection…. I’m a regular chick. A regular Maryland chick. A regular black Maryland chick.

I am not a gunner, and to be honest, haven’t interacted with white people on a regular basis since high school.  I am worried that I will not fit in. I had a great support network in college, and I’m afraid I won’t have the same in medical school. Right now, I have decided that worst come to worst, I will tough it out for the first year and the convince all my friends who aren’t yet in medical school now to apply to med school in Chicago. Then we can all be cold and miserable together.

Sike…. I wouldn’t do that. I don’t think.

I am going further/ farther in my life and education than anyone else I grew up with. One of my friends came over today, we graduated together, I love this girl. She’s married, due in September. Her baby shower is the day after I start my first class in medical school at Chicago, I’m so sad that I’m going to have to miss it. Most of my black friends from high school have started families, and either weren’t able to finish college, or just couldn’t attend. While away at college, it was easier to act like nothing had changed, like we were still the same and my experiences weren’t diverse varied enough to make any noticeable difference in our relationship. I think that’s changing.

I’m excited about medical school. I’m excited about being surrounded by a group of students just as motivated as I am, if not more. I’m excited about the new opportunities that moving halfway across the country to attend medical school will afford me. I look forward to learning with and from brilliant people, and I think that I will be challenged in ways that I have never been. There are scholarships and programs that I look forward to applying to, organizations that I am hell-bent on joining and one day leading, and I know that this is just the beginning to me making my mark on the practice and art of minority medicine. Its gonna be huge…. I just know it.

However, I am afraid of the possibility of losing myself in the midst of all this. Will I still maintain my irreverent sense of humor, my cynicism, my maverick identity, my quirky taste in music? Will I still enjoy the sweaty, mind-numbing entertainment of a night at the club, or its cooler, more intimate counterpoint, and my favorite weekend pastime, the semi-spontaneous house party? Will I become put off by song lyrics and off-color jokes that once entertained and amused me?

When does it move from necessary growth to loss of identity?

I went from a diverse high school to homogeneous secondary educational institution and changed into someone that I like, I looked forward to the change, welcomed it, initiated it. I have left my alma mater and will be going to another homogeneous secondary educational institution all the way on the other side of the spectrum, and I have no desire to change. I like me just the way I am. I like my simplicity. I like being me.

Maybe I’m worrying about nothing. Maybe I will arrive in school and everything will be just to my liking. All I know is, I don’t want to go back to being the odd one out. It was nice to spend somewhere, being young, black, gifted, going somewhere in life, and the MAJORITY, and that will not be the case in Chicago.

You know what, whatever, I need to get over it. I just finished reading a post by a black female medical student blogger that articulated every single one of my worst….no WORSTEST fears. Then, I stumbled upon a blog of another black female medical student that has accomplished almost everything that I hope to accomplish in medical school, as well as opened my eyes up to possibilities and goals to set for myself that I wasn’t aware of prior to reading her blog. I love when that happens.

But look what I decided to base this entry on??? So sad…. I SMDH at myself. Anyways, here on out, it’ll be positive, I promise. I won’t lose myself, but I will gain a better perspective on a side of myself I may not have been introduced to yet, which is good. Not bad.

If I’m really going to make it as a doctor I have GOT to be more positive.

G’nite.